Start with the beginning...

I wanted to be a writer from a very young age. For some reason I keep thinking third grade is when I started writing for my own enjoyment. My very first short story attempt was inspired by the original Little Mermaid story by Hans Christian Anderson. I wanted to write a story about a girl who wanted to be a mermaid. I was about nine at the time, many years before Disney’s take on Little Mermaid and certainly before its sequel. Myths and fairy tales were always my favorite.

Despite that early start, I still don’t have a finished manuscript. I start to second guess myself and start to criticize even the bits I thought were pretty darn good when I first started out. I realized a long time ago that I’m my own worst critic; unnecessarily cruel. I came to understand that fear kept me from going forward. I was paralyzed by a case of the what-ifs.

Recently, my roommate started training for a marathon. I’m pretty proud of her, a little in awe of her commitment to running (exercise and I don’t really get along, thanks to asthma) and sometimes I try to imagine what your brain does for those hours spent running. I’m pretty sure that even if I could run, I’d end up daydreaming and run into a telephone pole…or worse.

In her blog post the other day, she talked about fear and how it can make you stand still. I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between her “running block” and my own writer’s block. I have to confess that fear cripples me. I have overcome it in certain situations. I used to be terrified of speaking in front of people. I used to be equally terrified of showing anyone anything I had written, be it blog, journal, poem. I wish I was fearless, but I’m much more Cowardly Lion that I care to admit. It’s comforting to recall that in the end he found his courage. Sometimes, we have no choice but to face our inner demons, especially if they stand in the way.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert, Dune

[Originally published on April 30, 2013]