the end is the beginning is the end...

I started this blog on April 30, 2013 as an attempt to help myself with my writing. Early on, the ideas for blog posts came frequently and I was able to write a blog post and 1,000 words for my word-a-day goal easily. Writing got hard a few times. Really, really hard. It's hard to focus and sit in front of a computer when things elsewhere just seem to be falling apart. I've shared before that I love Stephen King's book On Writing. It's a fascinating "behind the scenes" look at his career, full of outstanding writing advice, and has a heart-wrenching account of the accident that nearly killed him. Yes, I almost cry every time I read it. One of the best things King said in that book was this:

"Writing is not life, but I think that sometimes it can be a way back to life."

On July 5, 2013 I talked about the personal milestone of 7,000 words. Let me put this in perspective. I had been struggling to write, to write with commitment, I should say, for a while. I let myself go over the first few chapters several times until I was sure that the beginning of the story was okay, which accounts for such a delay to reach that milestone. I was going through those early stages of writing. Out of habit, writing 1,000 words felt like it took all night. But as time passed, the writing got easier. Case in point: today, October 30, 2013, I wrote more than 4,000 words.

Now, it certainly helped that I had a heaping pile of personal inspiration. I was pretty determined to finish the First Draft of The Novel by 10/31/13, if only because November 1 was the start of National Novel Writing Month, aka NaNoWriMo, aka NaNo. Conveniently, this endeavor has you write 1,667 words a day for a month, so that at the end you have a novella (or the start of a novel) that equals 50,000 words.

Why am I even considering this, having just finished the grueling, months long process of reaching 104K on my First Draft? Because a) It would be a Real Shame to let me writing muscles relax and get flabby again and b) I need to get my mind off The Novel nicknamed Dust so that I don't look at it Right Now and c) Because there's always another story to tell.

Having reached my goal, I'm still not entirely sure I like the ending. But it's done enough that it's time to set it aside and work on something else for a while. Let those muses rest and recover so that I can look at it later with fresh eyes. But, Dear Readers, I have not forgotten you who have followed the meandering climb of my word count as it scrolled through your Newsfeed. So here is something special, just for you...a horrible one sentence synopsis!

In a realm recovering from war, soldiers are disappearing and it is the scorned Captain of the queen's guards that must face the past and choose how to fulfill the oath sworn: to protect the crown and the realm.

Next up? NaNo Novel 2013 - something something something

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. I mean everybody. All of the people in the whole world, I mean everybody — no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.
The Sandman: A Game of You, Neil Gaiman

this love affair

I was a toddler when I became addicted to books. There was this book at the grocery store, and I wanted it desperately but my Mother was not the kind of woman who bought something for her child every time she went to the store. So after numerous trips to the store and me still wanting the book, guess what showed up in my Easter basket? There's a picture of me, diapered butt up in the air (my "ladylike" ways were strong, even then) as I bent over this book, kissing it with joy.

This particular book is also the source of my sibling rivalry. Thomas ripped that very same book when he was a young boy. I stopped thinking my little brother was so great after that. Don't worry, we've come back full circle and he's more than so great these days. In fact, one year he tracked down an old copy of that same book and gave it to me for Christmas.

When the family got the news we'd be trading the hills of Onondaga County in Upstate New York, I was told I had to get rid of books. I remember sitting on the floor of the house, crying. I don't think it was just about the books, but that was definitely a Big Deal.

I read a lot of fables, mythology and fairy tales - the real ones mind you, the ones collected by the Brothers Grimm, those written by Hans Christian Anderson, and the ones where things weren't always so happily ever after. I devoured books and stories until one day I had the idea to start writing on my own. Fast forward a couple of years here and there, and here we are. I'm reading less but writing more (only so many hours in the day) and it occurred to me that it might be interesting to compile a list of my "go to" books, the ones that I've read and re-read and fall in love with over and over again. They are in no particular order, because I have a very hard time ranking things like that.

Dune - Frank Herbert
Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass - Lewis Carroll
The Hobbit - J R R Tolkien
Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman
Watership Down - Richard Adams
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Til We Have Faces - C S Lewis
On Writing - Stephen King

I know I'm forgetting some, but I'm trying not to spend all night writing a blog post as I procrastinate writing (I'm at a hard part). The above books I've read numerous times; so often I've lost track. Below is a list of books that have been pretty influential in my reading career, in case anyone is looking for something to try. Some of them are very obvious, but not everyone is as nerdy as me.

The Dark Tower Series - Stephen King
Harry Potter - J K Rowling
Lord of the Rings - J R R Tolkien
Song of Fire and Ice - George R R  Martin
The Lightbringer Series - Brent Weeks
Widdershins and The Onion Girl - Charles de Lint
The Looking Glass Wars - Frank Beddor
Stardust - Neil Gaiman
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
Good Omens - Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle
Chronicles of Narnia - C S Lewis
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess

And did we say nerdy? How about a short list of comic books...

Batman: The Killing Joke - Alan Moore
Batman: Hush - Jeph Loeb
Y The Last Man - Brian K Vaughn & Pia Guerra


Happy reading...

I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with.
Plato

the struggle

I've been struggling to keep my writing pace lately. I had hit a few issues with plot that I wasn't sure how to resolve and had to take a break from writing until I could get things back on track

Having just crested the 43,000 word mark, I'm feeling fairly committed to The Novel, the story that's unfolding and the characters that are in precarious or uncomfortable situations and are relying on me to provide an end. It can be grueling some days, when I slog through what feels like hundreds of words and I feel certain that I've nearly met the daily goal only to discover I've accumulated 200 words.

Lately I'm trying to make sure that I'm not straying too far from the first chapter and the struggle that it conveyed. There are a few scenes I'm building toward, weaving character interactions together and revealing more and more backstory. The good news is, I find it pretty interesting and hopefully that's a good sign.

Shutting the door and shutting out the world to write can be a challenge, and stringing word after word after word together is sometimes numbing. But writing brought me back, and despite the frustrations and the annoyances, I return to it again and again.

George Orwell said, "Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand."

I have a large drawer full of notebooks and loose pages of notes and drafts and ideas. Some of them are the first incarnation of what I now call The Novel and they present a very different story. Some of the elements have remained the same as I've refined the idea, edited out things I knew weren't right (murdering those darlings) and kept some of the basic ideas. This story has gone through more incarnations that I can count, but it's always been brewing in the back of my mind. And when another idea struck, I saw the two combine - and that's when the current story began to emerge. It's taken years for this story to come forward and some days it's like pulling teeth to get it on the page; others I can't write fast enough.

Writing the First Draft is a lonely process. I have to be tight lipped about the story and work to get it on the page instead of letting it slip away. I think I'm coming up on being near halfway through (if I follow something like a Three Act story model) but I'm going by feel more than word count on that point. This does mean that the book itself might end up being about 86,000 words at its First Draft.

I should probably get back to working on that.

The first draft of anything is shit.
Ernest Hemingway

A glimpse...

In recent days, I crossed another writing milestone. The Novel has a count of more than 30,000 words. It would have had more, but after writing a scene I realized it didn't settle well with me and I edited most of it out of existence, salvaging what I could. It meant I shifted from 32,000 words back down to just over 30,000, but I felt better about the story. I believe in-the-moment edits are worthwhile, as long as they are not distracting. If the problems are glaring enough during this most initial phase of writing, I may as well put the time into making it right now instead of later, when the ideas and inspiration aren't as fresh.

I'm at a point in The Novel where I've deviated from the main Point of View characters to introduce another perspective. Potentially there will be two new POV characters, but I haven't decided yet if one of the chapters will stay where it is (or be removed all together); I may move it further up in the order necessitating another chapter or two from that character before reaching the conclusion of "Act I".

Sometime during the past week, I've had two people ask me about The Novel and present the inevitable question of "What are you writing about?" This is always a wonderful question to ask, and it delights me when people take the time to show genuine interest in my writing. In some ways it's encouraging, and a boost to keep writing and keep adding those words to the total. But it always has the down side as well. Just as magicians never reveal their secrets, most authors aren't going to tell you the what too far in advance. It's like having a really really really really great secret. Once it's told, the secret isn't as awesome because it's out there, in the open.

Spilling the beans too early means the desire or the need to keep writing goes away. If I give the premise of the story away, there's no real reason to continue spending hours a day writing.

By the same token, I know there have been a lot of people keeping an eye on where this is going and I appreciate all the support. I hope that one day I can write one of those amazing acknowledgements that gives me the opportunity to thank my friends for the support during the creation of The Novel. For now, a generic thank you is presented to all of you, and because so many people are curious, I've decided to share a sample from The Novel. I'm not telling you anything of the context, the character or the part of the story that this takes place, but here you go:

He was a stranger to this place and the despair he felt was all his own.

Hope you enjoyed your preview of The Novel. Some day, maybe you'll come across that sentence again, and you'll remember when you first read it here. Until then, keep doing what you do, and be excellent to one another!

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
Maya Angelou

Strike that....

Writing a good story is hard work. It's not too difficult to put words on a page. Given the right incentive, almost anyone could sit down and type up 1,000 words a day to create some sort of story that some people may consider interesting enough to read. Crafting a story that doesn't have grammar, syntax, plot, character or other blatant flaws takes a little more practice. It also takes editing.

Sometimes that means ditching about 2200 words of progress so you can go back and re-write the chapter from another character's point of view. It can be painful, but it makes it worthwhile in the end to do something for the good of the story. It might not be easy, but it's likely the right thing to do.

Life has these editing moments as well. There are certain things about my story that I just cannot change. I have a slew of chronic issues, including asthma, allergies, IBS, GERD, migraines, idiopathic hypersomnolence, and chronic widespread pain. I can treat the symptoms, but I'm not really going to get rid of any of those things.

I can however, make changes that will help mitigate these conditions. I can eat better food, drink less soda, have daily exercise...you get the idea.

I think negativity is a big thing to edit out of your life - wherever possible. The first step starts at home, so examine your outlook. Try to look at things from a positive view. Not everyone can do it, but that's okay. Trying is key. Sometimes trying becomes doing, after a while. What might be a bigger help is looking at the company you keep. Are there negative people around you? People who don't support you, people who openly oppose you? Can you prevent yourself from spending time with them? This is important because we tend to act and react like the people around us. Surround yourself with negativity and people who tear you down, guess what happens?

I'm not saying any of these "Life Edits" are going to be easy, but if I've learned one thing over the past several years, it's that sometimes the hard choices are the right choices.

There are going to be some things that we can never change. I'm always going to be a bit of a klutz and my eyes are uneven and sometimes I laugh really loud. But I can work on being kinder, more patient, and more accepting of people, including myself.

Writing again (consistently, with purpose) is one of my Life Edits, along with daily activity (mostly walks) and a few other changes. At the end of July, I'm a few hundred words short of 24,000 words (thanks to some actual editing) and have every reason to believe I'll finish the month at 25,000. My goal is to have a pretty decent first draft by the time my birthday rolls around in September. We'll see if I have to edit that goal sometime next month.

Kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings.
Stephen King, On Writing

Put down everything that comes into your head and then you're a writer. But an author is one who can judge his own stuff's worth, without pity, and destroy most of it.
Colette, Casual Chance

By any other name...

It's no surprise by now that I am a lover of words. I am also a lover of names. I find the story behind other people's names pretty fascinating. In fact, the story of a name can be a pretty interesting tale.

When I worked at a fast food restaurant, there was a regular customer who came by every week. He always ordered a small hot chocolate, and despite several years in the United States, had a beautifully thick German accent. He always delighted in telling me that my name would have been Heidi, and he often would call me by that name. I don't know if this is entirely accurate, but to him, I was Heidi.

Over the phone, it's easy to misunderstand names. For some reason, people often think I say my name is Hunter, which at least has several correct letters in the right places.

I remember in middle school when we started exploring names and what they meant. There were people with names like Emily (to strive or excel), Elizabeth (God is my oath), David (beloved) and Christine (follower of Christ) which had actual meanings. Some classmates were receiving those pictures with their name and meaning in a picture frame. Somehow, I didn't think my name print would be too inspiring: low growing shrub with purple flowers.

My name also doesn't lend itself well to cool nicknames, unlike Em, Liz, Dave and Chrissy. Even now, I don't have any nicknames that have survived, attaining longevity or mass usage. I have however, been called regularly by small groups or individuals an odd collection of names: Turkey, Hez, Pepper, Princess.

The story of my middle name is much more interesting. My mother did consider giving me her middle name (Louise) as it was also my grandmother's name. However, my father's side of the family would have created World War III over this, and mom instead liked the sound of another "L" name. Technically, my middle name is in honor of a male cousin of whom my mother was very fond, hence the "boy spelling" of Lee.

And if we're putting the name together, we now have low growing shrub with purple flowers field.

My name is my two favorite colors!

I've also learned that the plant has been used to make beer and it produces a unique honey. There are two main types of the plant, often distinguished as winter/spring or summer/autumn, and the winter/spring variety is often called Erica. This is a Latin word that means heath or broom.

Pretty neat, huh?

Naming characters or places (even ancillary or casual references) is always difficult for me. I have stopped writing because I was blocked by a name and needing to find just the right name. Not every name has to have significance, but names are part of who we are. At first, they are the symbol that identifies us. As we grow into them - and our actions and words become known - we define them.

Occasionally names of people I know make it into stories, but that is rare, and it's not happened in the current work so far. Names in The Novel fall into two distinct categories: names that convey another time or utilitarian names. For example, one of the secondary characters is named Torch. He's from the outlying area of the story, where people tend to have simple names, derived from tools, plants, directions or jobs. To help save some time, I've jotted down several useful tools that could serve as names, should I need to name a random crowd member.

I'm always collecting names, jotting them down on scraps of paper or typing up lists in a text document, hoping to keep myself from stalling.

For this Novel, I couldn't think of a good name for the capitol city but I didn't want that to keep me from writing. So I just called it the Capitol. I still haven't come up with the right name, 15,500 words and 32 pages into the draft.

I'm just glad I have the option to Find and Replace when the inspiration comes.


“Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully.

Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.”

Lewis Carroll

Story of You

Most of us have been in an organized group where we do an "icebreaker" to help introduce the group and create a comfortable environment. There are all kinds of icebreakers, but one I've seen done fairly frequently is naming something interesting about yourself (unusual talent, unknown fact, etc). Inevitably, there is always someone or more than one someone that doesn't think they have anything interesting to contribute. I couldn't disagree more.

Everyone has something to contribute. Whether or not we can think of it on the spot is another story, so I challenge you to really think about yourself and get ready for that next icebreaker or conversation with a new person. Even now, you may deny that something is unique or interesting about you. I'll be more than happy to prove you wrong. I'm very good at asking questions.

The thing to keep in mind is that "interesting" is all relative, much like perspective and opinions. What you find boring (because you've known it all your life) can be very exciting to someone who has never experienced something like that before.

I believe that people are stories, the sum of their experiences and decisions of the moment.

In all the world and all the Universe, there is only one You. This doesn't make you a unique Snowflake, entitled to anything special more than anyone else because hey, I'm the only Me there is, too. But no one else has had the same experiences, made the same mistakes or choices, been to the same places, tried the same things...you get the idea. You are the sum of everything you have seen, felt, heard, touched, tasted, learned, ignored or relished.

Still not convinced? Start from the beginning. Our parents help us who become who we are. Whether you love them, had only one, were adopted or cut family ties, your parents set you on a unique path.

My parents are awesome. And my kid brother is pretty awesome, too. Our household has a lot of laughs at family gatherings. Skip the drama. There's four of us out here in the Midwest, and we're a close-knit group despite some distance. We did a lot of things together, even before we moved to the Mitten State. We walked through the woods behind our house to pick berries, went to the duck pond, went on road trips, celebrated Father's Day with a water balloon ambush...

Go ahead, think about that, about your childhood. Something you did with your family that makes you unique. For me, it was fireworks. And when I was 18, my Mom, Dad and I all worked on the same fireworks crew to set up, shoot and tear down shows in Southern Mittengan. Yes, that's usually the unique tidbit I share about myself. That, or the three octave singing range.

But back to people and stories.

I think this is why I love talking to people so much. I am a lover of words and stories, so it makes sense I like the walking, talking, breathing kind as well. I'm still adamant that there's something we can all say during those icebreakers that will be better than "there's nothing interesting about me". Sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes.

Here's a list of random stuff about people I know: writes comics, is a best-selling author, was an extra on Walking Dead, has dual citizenship, works at a video game company, has a homebrew called Violet Beauregarde, performs improv, has a company that works to reduce trash at festivals and races, is a Jeopardy champion.

And here's some even more random stuff: won't use paper towels, can't eat potluck food, can make the sound of a cricket, is afraid of all animals, vehemently hates kissing Dutch children figurines.

Writers take seemingly ordinary things and give new perspective. Your boring is an author's inspiration.

Be warned.

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allan Poe

Girls, girls, girls...

Earlier today I was directed to a blogpost by an author criticizing the idea of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG), a stereotype in stories (books, films, etc). I read through the article because I was curious, though it turned out to be less an intelligent take on two-dimensional female characters and more a personal commentary about how she thought she used to be an MPDG and now carefully guards her behavior lest she once again be confused with some eccentric, quirky girl who can change someone's life.

To be honest, I found the post fairly self-involved. But then again, when I read things like that (or about girls who are constantly harassed by guys) I always have a knee-jerk reaction of conceited, much? I'll admit, it's knee-jerk as I said, but what bothered me most about the post was that it didn't even correctly describe the stereotype of the MPDG. She also totally missed the mark (In my opinion) when she mentioned characters in both Harry Potter and Doctor Who. I could probably write an entire blog post deconstructing her blog, but instead I thought I'd focus on something much more constructive -- non-stereotypical female characters.

Ladies, we've come a long way. There was a time when it was a man's world out there in the literary genres. I'm not defending it, just stating that's the way it was. Look at Sue Storm (aka the Invisible Woman). Originally, she was just capable of turning invisible. Years passed and people realized that Sue could be more valuable than a damsel in distress or a love interest for Reed (or Namor) and gave her a bit of a boost. In fact, Dr. Doom said that Sue was the most powerful member of the Fantastic Four.

And it's not just the superpowers that got a helping hand. Personalities, motivations and even careers have morphed over the years. Unfortunately, there's still a lot of stereotypes out there. For example, women should look a certain way. If you haven't watched it yet, watch this awesome video of Dustin Hoffman talking about his preparation for the role of Tootsie.

Just like with ogres, women should have layers (and in general, characters of either gender ought to be complicated enough that they have depth, but today we're focusing on the womens). I conducted an informal poll earlier today, asking friends to name their favorite female characters (and why). Not surprisingly, there were several repeat offenders:

Elizabeth Bennet
Jane Eyre
Katniss Everdeen
Hermione Granger
Lisbeth Salander

I love how this list incorporates different women from different genres and styles of literature. I also love that not all of them are the same type of female character. Looking at the list quickly, a couple of things stand out. None of these characters are exceptionally beautiful and several of them are very smart. Elizabeth and Jane are both rather plain. Katniss is not unattractive, but she is not a beauty queen. Hermione is a bit of an ugly duckling at first, though she does blossom, and Lisbeth hardly conforms to modern society's take on beauty norms.

I could probably talk at length about each of them, though I would have to admit that I've only seen movie versions of Lisbeth and not yet read the books. But I think I'd rather focus on one or two, for the sake of time. Elizabeth Bennet is a very good example of a strong female character who - despite the ideals of the time, is not afraid to speak her mind. She is also flawed and not afraid to - when it becomes apparent - admit that she was wrong and make amends.

I love Mr. Darcy

But as great as Elizabeth Bennet is (and if you haven't read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, please do for another look at Ms. Bennet) I think I'll talk about a character that is has more modern ties, Hermione Granger. When we first meet Miss Granger, she's a girl with out of control hair and a penchant for correcting people. Immediately, she is shown to be an imperfect creature with an obvious strength. But as the series progresses, we get to know Hermione better. We see she is resourceful, determined, loyal and brave. And while there is a romantic subplot for her, she isn't the main love interest of the main hero of the story, Harry himself. I think all of these things (and more) combine to create such a memorable character because they are all believable.

Levi OH sa, not LevioSAH

Rowling herself said that Hermione had "a lot of insecurity and a great fear of failure". But we have the luxury of watching her grow and mature through the course of the books, and we see how her relationships with Ron and Harry help her become a better person, just as she helps them. Just as in real life, our friends affect us.

Whether they're a plot device, a love interest, an antagonist or protagonist, writing a female (or any) character should be as simple as this -- writing a believable person.

People are very complex creatures. The issue with the MPDG isn't that she's eccentric or quirky or bohemian or any other word you choose to describe her. It's that she's little more than a frame around a mirror used for the main character to reflect on. She has no purpose other than to be support for the main character, and that's author driven, which makes a character less believable.

Readers are very smart people. They can usually tell if there's a cardboard character imposing on the story or if there's some spark of life that makes the interaction, dialogue or action make sense. They can also usually tell if there's a giant stereotype hitting them over the head. Girl Next Door. Femme Fatale. Characters become less believable when they are strictly used to meet an author's end. Bad writing happens when authors force characters to do things, simply because they have a vision of a story. For example, Girl A ends up with Boy B despite the obvious chemistry she has with Boy C just because the author wanted to rewrite Romeo & Juliet (including the ending).

In short, characters that remind us of real people aren't necessarily stereotypes, but stereotypes won't necessarily become believable characters. And in closing, this quote from one of my friends: They are strong but not invincible, smart as hell, flawed but working on it, and most of all, they are not men with boobs.


I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
Marilyn Monroe

A wretched hive...

After my mile marker victory of 7,000 words the other day, I realized that it was finally time to introduce another aspect of The Novel into the mix: the antagonist. At first, I thought I knew the type of villain I'd be using. But the idea felt flat and so nothing seemed to be moving forward. So during one of my quiet times -- when I'm not reading, watching television, writing, etc -- my brain had a pivotal realization. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite as pivotal as I would have liked, but it allowed me to shift my idea and once again have story momentum.

As I've been thinking of villains, I've been trying to think of some of my favorite villains from movies/shows/books. The villains I've loved to hate. Truthfully, the word antagonist is still more accurate, but villain is more fun to use. For me, I need a villain that has a believable motive. I know there are some people who just want to watch the world burn, but I don't buy into the Final Fantasy-esque villains who just want to destroy the world or even the universe. I also think how the villain acts or accomplishes their goals is integral. I started thinking of this as Motives and Methods.

I do have a hard time with the Bad Guys, though. I couldn't even play through Knights of the Old Republic as a Dark Side character. I just couldn't detach myself and do horrible, mean things to the imaginary people. I can be fairly emotionally perceptive, or even sensitive. So I think that has something to do with it. And possibly something to do with the fact that I really don't like bullies. And sometimes, that's what villains are, just empowered bullies.

My career as Subject of Ridicule began in kindergarten, where I was teased for being small. I can only guess that in second grade, when I had to get glasses, the teasing and mocking made me less inclined to wear them. This didn't help with my schoolwork, until mom saw a video of our classroom and asked why I wasn't wearing my glasses.

I was just an easy target, I guess, from elementary up through high school and even into college. It's made me a little flighty sometimes as my insecurities well up around people I don't know well. It's also made me a little protective of other people when I think someone is bullying or just saying something not nice. Which really makes writing a compelling antagonist a challenge...

It's too bad I don't like you anymore
Yes it's too bad
But my novel is gonna need an evil villain

Too Bad You, Megan Slankard

We're all mad here...

I've just crossed the threshold of the 7,000 word mark on the novel. I've come this far before on other works, and even had the same number of words on another iteration of this work, but it still feels monumental.

Normally I try to keep myself writing, no matter what, just trying to keep writing and keep the idea moving forward. I've tried a few different things this time around. Predominantly, I'm trying very hard to keep all of my ideas related to this piece in on notebook, even if I'm transferring to that book later. Some of the ideas are just musings and others end up in the actual story, but if it's a little more organized, maybe I won't run the risk of losing something really good.

I also worked on the opening chapter a lot, refining. There was a whole section that I discarded in favor of something else, and I've gone back and added more description or edited out what I thought was unimportant. It's far from perfect, but as far as a first draft goes, it's pretty solid (she says now).

In the first two chapters, I've introduced the two primary characters whose stories will eventually cross paths. I've hinted at some of the social/political tensions, fussed over names for multiple secondary and tertiary characters, and (I think) established an interesting premise that would inspire readers to continue through the end of the novel (once that has been accomplished).

In the long run, 7,000 words is not an extraordinary feat. It's only two chapters worth of a first draft. But writing takes time, and writing that I don't send the way of [CTRL A + DEL] takes longer. One of the greatest pieces of advice any writer can receive (and truly take to heart) is the idea that we ought to murder our darlings. There's some debate over who originally coined the phrase, but the meaning is still the same, regardless of who first spoke the words, be if William Faulkner or Arthur Quiller-Couch.

It's very easy to become enamored of one's own words. After spending so much time and effort slogging through the prose, it's too easy to look at what we've done through rose-colored glasses. Our dearest supporters don't always help. Friends who mean well will always smile and encourage you to keep going. Friends who really mean well will tell you if they care whether or not your main character dies in a fire (though a lot nicer than that) (usually).

Murdering your darlings means knowing when it's time to highlight whole sentences, paragraphs or even pages, and get them out of the way. I highly recommend storing them in another word file, just in case, but the daring writers may feel emboldened to dispose of them right out.

Time is the best re-focuser, I've discovered. It's what helped me with the first chapter of the current work. I wanted to create a very specific feeling during the first several paragraphs, and with the emotion and the idea too firmly in my brain, it was all too easy to read those emotions in the prose. Stepping away for a while allowed me to evaluate how the events were coming together and to see how the first direction wasn't fitting my overall theme objective.

Some writing is easier to edit than others. After re-reading, you just know it's got to go.

Time also helps a writer appreciate what they have accomplished. There's a chapter in an unfinished story of mine that gave me chills when I re-read it, years ago. When I feel I'm too harsh on myself, I try to think of that chapter. Because I'd forgotten about that moment, about the character. I'd caught myself by surprise. It gave me a new appreciation.

So, here's to 7,000 words, the darlings "murdered", and to the next 7,000 and the next, and the next, and the next...

We all live and schmooze, as we choose
The effort's always in the details
I've put in my time
I bump and grind and rise and shine
I whine and whine and pine and ache like everybody else
Just For Me, Blues Traveler

Down to the letter...

Years ago I came across a quote that has never left me:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency, he is not really alive unless he is creating."
--Pearl Buck

So much of this quote rings true for me, including the idea that failure is death. I think this is one of the reasons that I hesitate so often with my own writing. I write and hide away what I've created, but I don't share it, and as I've mentioned before, after a while I lose faith in it.

There's this story of a writer who worked on the first three pages of a draft, crumpled them up and threw them away, convinced the story wasn't going anywhere. He was married with two young children. Bills were paid but things were tight. Reading about his job is enough to make one's stomach turn. He worked for a laundry company where soiled linens were shipped. He talked about unsavory insects and bodily fluid. But he worked to pay the bills for his family and dreamed of putting it behind him one day. He gave up on those three pages, but his wife found them and read them. She encouraged him to keep going. She believed there was something in that story. That story was Carrie, and it's safe to say its publication launched Stephen King's career.

I've read his book On Writing countless times. Some days I pick it up and let it fall open, joining the conversation in medias res. Sometimes I go to page one and start over or flip through to some of the underlined bits. I always find something to remind me of why I care so much about putting the words to the page. King stated, "Writing is a lonely job. Having someone who believes in you makes a lot of difference. They don't have to make speeches. Just believing is usually enough."

There are hundreds of amazing stories out there, sitting on shelves. There's also a lot of stuff that isn't as amazing. Everyone has their own personal preferences, and books are meant for enjoyment. So if you enjoy reading a book, do so. But storytelling is an art, and some are better at it than others. I'm talking about the differences between something like Rowling's Harry Potter series (which I would rank amazing) versus Meyer's Twilight series. I've read both series, start to finish. I picked up the first book in each for the same reason: to see what all the fuss/buzz was about.

In the case of Rowling, I was immediately transported into a world of fantasy and wonderful storytelling. The books were geared toward children, but readers of all ages were swept into Harry's adventures. I stayed up late reading them, devouring chapters. I cried when certain characters met their end.

On the flip side, I read the Twilight series begrudgingly. I read it so that I could discuss the entire series, because so many people told me that I had to read the whole thing, because the story got so much better. In my opinion, it did not. There were a lot of things I took issue with in Meyer's work, but I won't go into that now. The point is, I'd definitely consider it less-than-amazing.

But in both cases, and with King's crumpled pieces of his Carrie manuscript, someone believed in the story. All three works have gone on to become pop culture references, and more often than not, even if people haven't read the books, they are familiar with the concepts. All because someone other than the writer believed in the story that was being told.

Trouble is I’m so exhausted
The plot, you see, I think I’ve lost it
I need the grace to find what can’t be found
Long Lost Brother, Over the Rhine

Against the dying of the light...

The words have been hard lately. I think sometimes it's not a case of Writer's Block at all; we just don't want to tackle the words we ought to write. Something has been strong in my mind, yet I couldn't bring myself to put it down. It would make it all too real. But I cannot hope to conquer if I will not face my fears. I believe that to achieve honesty in my writing, here and elsewhere, I have to be honest. So I have to confess: I've lied to you.

I don't mean to cause alarm. It's just that too often when people ask how are you there's not really an option for an honest answer. At work, customers usually hear I'm great, thanks for asking! The friends and family discount means it's usually a less enthusiastic answer, ranging from fine to good or if I'm feeling more honest, tired or having a bad pain day. I know that I ask people how they are on a daily basis. Chances are, they're lying to me, too.

Depression isn't something you talk about easily. I could take the easy way out and point to the amazing blog post at Hyperbole And A Half and leave it at that. But that's a little too casual.

Picture courtesy of Hyperbole and a Half

I'm better than I was a a year ago, but it has been a long road. I don't have an official diagnosis, but for a long time I guess I didn't realize something was not quite right. It's easier on the outside, looking in, to see when things are off balance in such a drastic way. For me, I was too busy dealing with the moment to think about the big picture. And on the occasions where I realized that I might need the support of a friend, I didn't know how to make that phone call. I stared at my phone, trying to think of a casual way to start a conversation. Some of us really don't like to impose on others. We're often the same people who will go out of our way to help others.

I was in a long line at the grocery store yesterday evening, trying my best to be patient. It wasn't anyone in particular's fault. I have a tendency to lose patience in the grocery store when there are too many people. And I had too many groceries to make use of the self-checkout. An older woman was ahead of me, back starting to hunch, fingers gnarled with a tell-tale sign of arthritis. I set the grocery divider at the end of the belt and she apologized for not doing it for me. Somehow, we got on the topic that it was her daughter-in-law in line ahead of her, helping. I smiled and said how good it was to have people to take care of us.

And that's really the point I'm trying to make.

It's easy to forget things, to say the wrong thing, to make a mistake, to forget to call, write, email or Facebook. It's easy to take offense, to place blame, to think someone sees things the same way we do and get angry when they don't. Sometimes it's hard to see through the haze of our own hardships. But we always have the opportunity to help bring goodness into someone else's life.

Through their actions, my parents taught me how vitally important it is to take care of each other. Whether it's a family member, close friend or a stranger, we can all do something to help the other people in our lives. Because we all have hard times, and chances are when you look at someone and you ask how are you, they might not have the right words to tell you they're not fine.

Take care of each other. Words aren't always easy. Love is.

Who Honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free?

It's you.

You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
-Suckerpunch

A handful of dust...

It's been a while since I plunked out a post. To be honest, I've started and stopped a post several times but nothing felt right. I could have posted just to post, but I try to avoid such things. I think part of the problem was that most of my recent posts didn't have much to do with my writing, which is really why I've started this journey in the first place. So I saved them, to keep those thoughts and feelings preserved, perhaps for another time.

One of the questions that I've seen people ask writers (published and unpublished) over and over is where do you get your ideas? I always found that question to be a little odd. For me, ideas have never been an issue, it has been the execution of those ideas. Usually I begin a story with giddy excitement as the characters and places unfold rapidly in my mind and subsequently across the page. Eventually I start to doubt my idea, consider the characters overplayed, and despair at the lack of a decent plot. I am my own worst enemy; self criticism is paralyzing.

I used to share what I was working on with friends or family who seemed so inclined. I would talk about ideas and characters and not long after, somehow lose the story or the urgency. I started answering in vague terms. Oh, I'm working on a story about chicken pox, I say. Or, I'm working on an idea that explains narcolepsy. Physical ailments were apparently intriguing to me at one point in my idea box. Those stories are still firmly rooted in my brain, waiting for their chance to be reconsidered. If someone were to ask me right now I might say, I'm putting together a story about a broken place. It's not meant to be evasive and I'm not trying to be mysterious. When I don't give the details out in a conversation, I keep the secret of the story, I keep the excitement.

Ideas come frequently. I write them down or start writing a little, too keep the moment fresh, especially if there is a strong sentiment that I want to remember. Sometimes they come from a scenario I witness, a place I visit, a dream I vividly remember. My current project is one I've been working on for a while. I had an idea years ago for a story but it fell flat. Now I've changed things and am feeling more confident. It's a story about a broken place and a story about dust. One of my favorite selections of poetry is Eliot's The Waste Land, and snippets from the section What the Thunder Said have been in my mind since the beginning of this dusty idea, though the following lines are usually close to mind:

And I will show you something different from either     
Your shadow at morning striding behind you     
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;     
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Authors usually take very ordinary things and make them into something we wouldn't expect. Who would have thought such a simple thing as a band of gold would lead to such a legendary quest? Who would have guessed that there was another realm under modern day London? Writers love to ask questions, especially what if?

Sometimes I feel like Don Music, the famous muppet musician. The ideas and the questions come easily. I trip up as I try to put them on the page.

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
I Don't Wanna Waste Your Time, Over the Rhine

Those who dream by day...

I have extremely vivid dreams. Some mornings I don’t recall my dreams. Other mornings the images are strong; familiar enough to be memories instead of fantasy. The most vivid of my dreams are typically nightmares. I often wake up, terrified and unable to think. I feel my heart beating, hands shaking, hear my ragged breath. Sometimes I don’t wake up until after. I tried to get away once. I threw myself out of bed and twisted my ankle then slammed into the wall with my forehead. I crumpled to the ground and finally woke up enough to realize I was running from something and I was in a sorry little heap on the floor of the bedroom. The hilarity of that experience helped me overcome the aftershock of fear. I couldn’t fall asleep for a while after that because I was giggling about running into the wall.

Some of the most terrifying ones happen during sleep paralysis. I’m normally in terrible danger but I can’t escape. Panic and terror mingle and then I wake — except I can’t breathe a sigh of relief, roll over and fall back asleep. My eyes are open. I can see the dim shadows of my room. I can feel my body, I know it’s there, but it will not obey me, not even the slightest command to wiggle a finger or a toe. The brain turns off the body when we sleep so we don’t hurt ourselves. Sleep paralysis happens when the brain hasn’t turned the body back on before we wake up. It’s a pretty logical, scientific explanation. Sadly, logic and science rarely have much sway during those panic-filled moments.

I also have a recurring dream of a malicious presence/person standing near my bed. Always on the right side of the bed, always standing near my waist or closer to my feet. It doesn’t do anything but stand there, looming over me.

I am an incredibly restless sleeper.

Some good dreams grip me too. Those dreams I wake up and make notes about for future story possibilities. One such dream helped inspire my first National Novel Writing Month novel. Sometimes I wake up from those dreams groggy, unsure of where I am because the movie in my mind had seemed so very real seconds ago.

At times, it feels like my brain rarely stops moving. I’m the kid who couldn’t sit in silence and eat a bowl of cereal. I had to at least be reading the back of the box. This is one of the reasons I hate driving. I don’t find it mentally stimulating. My brain tries to shut off and occupy itself with other more entertaining thoughts. This is not a good idea, as my overactive imaginations makes me very good at daydreaming.

Dreams (the good and the bad) have always fascinated me. I highly recommend the Charles de Lint books, particularly The Onion Girl and Widdershins. Where do our brains come up with these places, these events, these scenarios? How can the brain rest if it’s making these mental movies? Why do some people remember their dreams and others don’t?

Is it cloak ‘n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips
These Dreams, Heart

[Originally published May 3, 2013]

Start with the beginning...

I wanted to be a writer from a very young age. For some reason I keep thinking third grade is when I started writing for my own enjoyment. My very first short story attempt was inspired by the original Little Mermaid story by Hans Christian Anderson. I wanted to write a story about a girl who wanted to be a mermaid. I was about nine at the time, many years before Disney’s take on Little Mermaid and certainly before its sequel. Myths and fairy tales were always my favorite.

Despite that early start, I still don’t have a finished manuscript. I start to second guess myself and start to criticize even the bits I thought were pretty darn good when I first started out. I realized a long time ago that I’m my own worst critic; unnecessarily cruel. I came to understand that fear kept me from going forward. I was paralyzed by a case of the what-ifs.

Recently, my roommate started training for a marathon. I’m pretty proud of her, a little in awe of her commitment to running (exercise and I don’t really get along, thanks to asthma) and sometimes I try to imagine what your brain does for those hours spent running. I’m pretty sure that even if I could run, I’d end up daydreaming and run into a telephone pole…or worse.

In her blog post the other day, she talked about fear and how it can make you stand still. I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between her “running block” and my own writer’s block. I have to confess that fear cripples me. I have overcome it in certain situations. I used to be terrified of speaking in front of people. I used to be equally terrified of showing anyone anything I had written, be it blog, journal, poem. I wish I was fearless, but I’m much more Cowardly Lion that I care to admit. It’s comforting to recall that in the end he found his courage. Sometimes, we have no choice but to face our inner demons, especially if they stand in the way.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert, Dune

[Originally published on April 30, 2013]